Big Boys do Cry
By Glyn Fussell
Being a sensitive man in an age of toxic masculinity can come at a cost. Being described as ‘touchy feely’ or ‘soft’ or most horrifyingly being invited ‘to grow a pair’ is part of the way we silence and supress a man’s journey towards developing vital skills and attitudes that nurture relationship and collaboration.
In an age where poor male mental health and suicide is so shockingly high, learning these skills and creating an environment where being ‘sensitive’ is seen as a superpower rather than a weakness has never been more vital.
About 15 years ago, when I took my first steps as a freelancer, I was invited to a seminar on emotional intelligence. It was for coaches and facilitators and was billed as an opportunity to better understand some of the thinking that sits behind the well touted ideas. When I arrived, I noticed that all the delegates were men and that the facilitator doing the input was a woman. I settled in and waited for the session to start. The facilitator stood up and her first words were ‘I’m talking about emotional intelligence to a room full of men, how’s that ever going to work’?! I took this to mean that as a group of men, there was little chance that we would be able to demonstrate emotional intelligence or even be that interested in it. There was general hilarity amongst the audience. I, on the other hand found I was seething with anger. Anger at her dismissal of my gender, anger what seemed like a ready acceptance by the audience that men lack emotional intelligence and yes, anger that I recognised that she had a point.
Like many, I have become tired of the binary discourse around gender and specifically around the prescription of gender stereotypical behaviour – men are like this, women are like that etc… I understand it, but I don’t relate to it personally. Just recently, I was introduced to a study reported on in the Harvard Business Review about how stereotypical masculine behaviours are more valued and how, men exhibiting qualities like vulnerability, asking for help or admitting failure were less likely to succeed. I read this ruefully, thinking ‘well that’s just in America’ but I know from my work in the UK that this kind of attitude, whilst part of a bigger problem is widespread and pernicious and damaging. Vulnerability equals weakness equals bad and unprofessional. No number of blessings from St Brene Brown is going to heal this unhelpful dynamic. We have created a world where men are encouraged to be strong, decisive and unyielding and where women are expected to be nice, accommodating and compromising. It doesn’t work; it never has; not for them and not for all of us in the long run.
In my work as a coach, I frequently work with men whose personal story reveals a largely unexplored emotional life. The question ‘how do you feel about that’? will take these men into a foreign landscape where they are somewhat lost and disorientated. Some of those men seem to get by just fine without that connection to their feelings. Most of them don’t. They miss important clues as to what’s going on in their teams; they fail to see the signs that people aren’t really with them, heart and soul; they fail to recognise that they are becoming depleted, burnt out or brittle and they miss out on the richness and joy that comes from connecting with themselves and others. In short, they miss out on what it means to learn and grow and be truly human. As a man, witnessing this brings me great sorrow. I have seen the converse of this tired old paradigm – women who curtail themselves in order to fit in. I have lost count of the number of women I have coached who when faced with a difficult challenge will say ‘I need to grow a pair don’t I’? (Remember that phrase?) You get the picture. And of course, there are glorious exceptions, people who are able to shake off years of conditioning and live free, expressive lives. Getting to that place of freedom is a life journey and for me, part of the work of genuine, transformational coaching.
So, the big question is how you increase emotional intelligence?
The starting place is to recognise that it’s a ‘thing’. It’s important to say that this is not solely the labour of men. We all have a choice about learning to be more aware of ourselves and others. It’s just that western society seems to enshrine a particular version of manhood and masculinity that, whilst ubiquitous, feels redundant and requiring evaluation. In my work in coaching some men, there is an invitation from me to become interested in the data that feelings can provide. This is a useful starting place, what are your feelings telling you at this point – however faint and inconsequential they may seem? Sometimes this leads to puzzlement, more often this kind of invitation can begin to open a door that has been firmly shut, in childhood. Behind that door is carefully concealed vulnerability and riches beyond compare. If there is permission from my client and they are open to the work, I will gently provoke them to become more and more interested in the possible benefits of opening in this way. To becoming more intention in the fanning the glowing embers of their feelings so that they provide warmth and insight. This takes time, and kindness and great sensitivity.
Here are some things I have learned through my coaching practice and from being a man myself that might help:
Get Permission – exploring this often-uncharted territory through coaching requires a degree of courage and commitment – are they up for it? Are you? Remembering that coaching is not therapy, and that the client will need to understand the potential benefits of having a stronger connection to their feelings. Get clear on why this kind of exploration is important to your client, this will give you a mandate to gently challenge and encourage them as they step into a new connection with themselves.
Start by meeting them where they are – are there areas in their life where emotion and feelings are well developed and considered useful to them? Often this will be in the realms of the familiar; their relationship with their children if they have them, their fond memories of those who have cared for them along the way. These are things to build on.
See the exploration as an opportunity for growth and development - rather than remedy and deficit
Model emotional intelligence yourself – coaching is a helping relationship, your own readiness and interest in your emotional life is highly relevant to the success of that relationship. If you are prepared to say how you feel, in the moment, it can help create freedom and safety for your client.
Support small movements forward - encourage your client to become interested in what’s going on internally for them. Noticing what happens to them when they are in tricky situations or conversations that are frustrating and confusing for them. What sense do they make of these impressions? What did they want in that situation that they didn’t get at the time? What would they like to have said or not said? How are they feeling now. As a supportive coach, it’s important to notice and acknowledge when small movements are made towards becoming more engaged in the less tangible realm of the feelings in our clients. I often talk about fanning the flames of the small flickers of insight my male clients experience. This creates ease and familiarity for the client
Don’t be afraid to offer a prescription – as this kind of exploration can feel like a foreign country it’s important to offer some simple guiderails. I have experimented with doing this in a variety of different ways:
o Taking a biographical approach – where we walk through a timeline of their stories of the ways in which feelings and emotions have lived for them throughout their lives
o Prescribing a period of ‘just noticing’ how their own feelings come and go – this can be attached to particular scenarios eg noticing how their feelings come and go in team meetings or with those more senior to them etc… this gives plenty of data for the client to ‘join the dots’ and make sense of how they operated when back in the coaching room
o With some male clients who want to become more emotionally intelligent, I have suggested a process where they select and bring into our sessions a series of objects, photos, pieces of music or writing that mean something to them emotionally. This tends to provide a useful acknowledgement of the importance to them of their emotional life and is a lovely way of creating a warm, trusting rapport.
Depersonalise the feeling – sometimes it can be easier for a client to access how they really feel if they can see their feeling projected outside of themselves. In response to their recounting of a tricky scenario I might ask, ‘what might someone who is deeply connected to their emotions feel in response to that?’ or I might offer my own felt response to what I’ve heard, along the lines of ‘when I hear that story, I found myself feeling quite angry/sad/ upset’ etc… this can help the client access what can sometimes feel out of their grasp, and in accessing it become more aware that they themselves also feel strongly in response to what has happened
If you have the permission of the client to work in this way then the work is always to be safely grounded in their agenda. My belief is that any man can develop their sensitivity and awareness around their emotional life and, of course the emotional lives of those around them. By doing so, they are developing different strategies for leading and working alongside others that will benefit them and society hugely.
Our Coaching with Head, Heart & Soul programme offers a deeper, more courageous approach to coaching, so if you looking to develop your coaching practice with more depth, take a look HERE