Coaching Pitfalls and how to Recover from them
By Glyn Fussell
Starting out as a coach is exciting! It can also be a little overwhelming; there are so many things to consider and to remember. Many of us at the beginning of our coaching careers are keen to ‘get it right’ and that very desire for perfection, whilst laudable can mean we erode our own confidence, lose our balance and trip into some coaching pitfalls. Here are ten such pitfalls and some learning on how to recover from them.
Pitfall No 1. It’s all your responsibility! – For me, this is one of the most pervasive pitfalls for coaches at all levels. It’s easy to get into the mentality of having to be a brilliant coach and to be of service and prove your worth. It’s understandable that you want to do a good job for person you are working with. But if the sole responsibility for the successful outcome of the coaching sits with you then you are denying the power and agency of your client (and wearing yourself out in the process). It’s helpful to see coaching as a partnership rather than a service you are providing. I realise this may feel a little radical if your client is paying you to help them! Even so, the responsibility needs to be shared – you offer space, time, and expertise, they step into getting the most out of what you offer by investing time, energy, and commitment. Without that partnership approach, the results are diminished.
Pitfall No 2. I’ll put in a good word’ – as coaches we care about those we are helping. Sometimes that care can spill into a desire to fix or influence their situation in a way that sits outside the safe boundaries of the coaching relationship. This might take the form of ‘putting in a good word’ with a third party who has some influence over your client. Or at worst, to actively meddle or raise issues outside of the privacy of the coaching room with others connected to your client’s life. This is a particular pitfall for those engaged in executive or leadership coaching where you can be operating in the same sphere as your client. This is almost always well intentioned and is often a way of wanting to add value (or prove to your client and yourself that you are worth the money they are paying you!) and its ultimately unhelpful and out of scope for a coaching relationship. If you find yourself falling into this pitfall, then supervision is the perfect place to explore the impulse you might have for intervening outside of your remit and understand what that might be about for you. This brings choice for you and offers a more helpful way of working with it.
Pitfall No 3. Ta da!! Overly Relying on clever exercises and tools. When we start out, we can cling to models, frameworks, and exercises. They provide useful guiderails to our coaching conversations and can be helpful ways of facilitating learning for our clients. An overuse though can have the opposite effect and can bamboozle the client. Sometimes, the impulse to find more and more exercises or techniques can mask our own, understandable concerns about being ‘enough’ for our clients. As we become more experienced tools and techniques, whilst not forgotten can lose their poll position in our approach. Fundamentally, open, attentive listening and following the clients thinking is the bedrock all good coaches will come back to. Tools, techniques, and exercises are only as good as the exploration and dialogue that accompany them. If you find yourself cramming exercises into each session, consider your intention and get feedback on how the exercises are landing. Could you be effective in other ways also?
Pitfall No. 4. Please don’t cry (I don’t do emotions) all of us with have varying degrees of comfort with expressions of distress and its worth understanding what your own relationship with emotion is. With work-based coaching it might be easy to compartmentalise and imagine that as we are talking about work ‘stuff’ that emotions don’t really figure, and yet we are whole people and life can be upsetting. If you are uncomfortable with emotion own it, but don’t shame or shut down your client if they are expressing theirs. Rather than see client upset as a calamity, a personal failure, or a huge weight of responsibility on you, maybe move to just acknowledge what’s happening. Simply saying ‘that’s seems really upsetting for you’ or ‘that’s touched a raw nerve’ – doesn’t commit you to having to pretend to be a counsellor or therapist but it does keep you in connection with your client who will be more than capable of managing their emotion themselves. Keeping in connection even during distress will enable you at the right time to explore important issues together that would normally be kept in the margin.
Pitfall No 5. When I was CEO… (talking about yourself too much) If you have been a CEO or a successful operator in any field, then you might feel you have something to offer and you might feel compelled to share your experience with those who come for help. You might be right, but for now, shut up! If you are doing more than 20% of the talking, it’s too much! There are other ways of using your skill, remembering that coaching is different from mentoring. Your role is to help awaken the person’s ample supplies of wisdom, confidence, and agency. Use your experience to help you form questions that cut to the heart of the issues they are facing. Speak less, listen more.
Pitfall No 6. Not holding the contract, we know that structure creates psychological safety this includes time management, holding to the upfront agreements you have made and your own professional discipline. Coaching is the container for personal and professional exploration, and it requires rigor and boundaries. I have heard new (and not so new) coaches say ‘contact me any time, day or night’ or offer impromptu coaching sessions at parties or in work corridors. This reduces psychological safety for the coach and the client as does sloppy timekeeping or your being overly accommodating of unreasonable behaviour or a lack of client commitment to the process. Be clear on the contract up front and acknowledge when this hasn’t worked or needs to be adapted and changed.
Pitfall No 7. Do you love me? Needy feedback – knowing how effective you’ve been or whether you have done a good enough job can be hard to work out. It can be tempting to look to your client for reassurance of your worth in a session. It’s important for mutual feedback to be a frequent part of your working partnership but if you need reassurance about your worth then it’s a good idea to explore this normal and understandable need in supervision rather than expecting it to come from your client, who will be doing their own work.
Pitfall No 8. Having to get it right all the time – see Pitfall No 1. We are human beings not service providers. It’s important to be compassionate with ourselves as we constantly learn how best to work with others as a coach. That learning never ends. The great John Heron has a great saying which can help recalibrate our desire not to make mistakes – ‘there are no mistakes, only information’. Not all our interventions will land well with our clients, we might be wide of the mark in what we do. Coaching is a helping relationship in which you have a particular role. In part that role is to try things out, see how they land and recalibrate if with the best of intentions, they don’t seem to have worked this time. Try a different approach and celebrate your glorious imperfection!
Pitfall No 9. Not taking care of yourself in wanting to please or accommodate our clients we can put up with meeting spaces that don’t work for us, unhelpful interruptions that impact on the work you are able to do and clients coming to meet with us without having done the work they agreed to do. There are many other examples of things we can allow that don’t give us the best opportunity to do our best work as a coach. But you matter and taking care of yourself, having boundaries around what is and isn’t okay for you is important. Considering what you need to thrive and feel comfortable might seem like a side issue but it’s crucial to you being able to coach effectively and with courage and depth.
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